AUSTRALIA - (Os-trayl-ya) A large island nation in the Southern Hemisphere. Kind of big at the bottom, with a pointy bit on the top right, a lump at the top and a big chunk missing off the bottom. Most of the people live near the coast, and the middle bits are quite dry and dusty. It was originally lived in by the Aborigines, until it was invaded by the English. People who live in Australia are called Australians.
AUSTRIA - Not Australia. Austria and Australia are often
confused with each other because of the similarities in spelling. Folk dancing, skiing and bratwurst are not as popular down under, however the whole 'supreme race' idea that the Nazis had still floats around the land down under occasionally. Just as Hitler saw Austria as part of Germany, Howard sees Australia as part of America.
ADELAIDE - Capital of South Australia. Kind of near the coast and down the bottom. The butt of 
many jokes about everything from the quality of the drinking water to the lack of entertainment. It is often referred to as the "City of Churches" because there are so many churches there, mostly built by German immigrants. Adelaide prides itself on the fact that it wasn't settled as a penal colony by the English, but many believe it is the lack of psychopathic murderers as community founders that make it so dull.
BRISBANE - (Briz-Ben) Capital of Queensland. Described by some 
as a large country town, Brisbane is actually the largest council in Australia. People are flocking to Brisbane in droves, mostly from Victoria, strangely enough. The CBD is located on the North side of the Brisbane River, a large muddy creek that winds its way through the suburbs and out into Moreton Bay. Brisbane has a tenancy to flood, a fact that was overlooked when the city was founded, even though there was obvious debris sitting in trees several meters above the ground.
CANBERRA - (Can-behr-ah)The Capital of Australia. No one could decide if it should be Sydney or Melbourne, so they threw a 
dart at a map and picked the most cold and desolate place in Australia and stuck all the politicians there. There's a big lake, a big gallery, several big roundabouts and a big bunch of idiots who "run" the country. The population is reduced to three people and a dog over Christmas while all the politicians go home.
DARWIN - Capital of the Northern Territory, although 
not enough people live there to make it officially a capital city (at least according to my grade 5 map book). A very multicultural, and mostly aboriginal population, Darwin is "the gateway to Asia", although many Indonesian boat people see it as "the gateway to Australia". The Japanese bombed Darwin in 1942 and on Christmas Day 1974 Cyclone Tracy demolished most of the city.
HOBART - Capital of Tasmania. Nothing much happens in Hobart - they have no sporting teams in any major competitions and that pretty much means they don't count for much. Popular tourist destination, and retirement home for upperclass babyboomers.
MELBOURNE - (Mel-bin)Capital of Victoria and entertainment 
capital of Australia. Everyone moves to Melbourne, from the Greeks to the Jews to the Adelaidians. Melbournians love sport - they even hosted the Olympic Games in 1956, a fact which they never let anyone forget. They also hate Sydney, a fact they also never fail to mention. The weather can change several times during a 24 hour period, starting with a drought and peaking with half the city being underwater by lunch time and a cool breeze in the evening. Most of Australia's television programming comes from Melbourne - the better stuff anyhow, which leads to a large bias in the voting for the Logie Awards (also held in Melbourne).
PERTH - Capital of Western Australia and miles from 
everywhere else. Perth has nice sunsets, or so I'm told. For some reason I also get the impression that the city is infested by black swans, although I suspect this was just a ploy by the tourism board. Because Perth is so far away airfares cost a fortune and it is sometimes cheaper to fly to Bangkok and change planes to fly to Perth, rather than fly directly.
SYDNEY - Capital of New South Wales and Australia's
most populous city. They had the 2000 Olympics, did you know? Ridiculously huge city with a fancy bridge and a wacky opera house. Supposedly a fashion hotspot, but last time I was there everyone was wearing black when grey was in. Lots of traffic problems, but at least while the residents are sitting in traffic they can admire the fancy bridge et al. Most people not familiar with Australia think Sydney is the capital of the country.
NEW SOUTH WALES - No one has figured out whether NSW was named after Wales and it was new and south of the original, or it was named after South Wales and was new. Either way, the bit that looked like Wales is long gone thanks to progress! Lots of nice touristy places to visit from damp mountains to parched deserts to wide expanses of sheep paddock. It sometimes likes to parade itself as 'the First State' because that was where the English first set up camp in 1788 and turned Sydney into an open sewer within weeks. Some would say it hasn't changed.
VICTORIA - The Garden State - for reason's unknown. Similar to NSW, but on a much smaller scale. Home of Ned Kelly, goldrushes and AFL. Thanks to Jeff Kennett, they now have the Grand Prix and occasionally pinch State of Origin Games. Their slogan is "on the move" but geographically, they are in the same location as they were several hundred years ago.
QUEENSLAND - The Sunshine State - except when the Today Show is broadcasting from Brisbane in which case is pours with rain for three hours and Peter Beattie has to say 'beautiful one day, perfect the next' and grin like an idiot. The state is three totally different places - the North is thrashed by cyclones every summer while the South-East swelters, while the West sits through a ten year drought. Renowned for its beaches, rainforests, reefs and outback - all of which is slowly being trashed.
Northern Territory - So called because it is in Northern Australia and isn't a state, whic roughly means that the Federal government looks after it... I think. The Northern Territory, or "The Territory" is famous for its' natural wonders - the Olgas, Uluru and the Devil's Marbles. The best part is that most of the territory has an unlimited speed limit, although this doesn't help if you're a British Backpacker.
South Australia - The Festival State! Not sure why, because most of the festivals have moved to Melbourne. SA, as it is commonly known, is half an hour behind the cities on the Eastern Seaboard - which means the sun sets at 9pm most parts. Large chunks of desert, salt lakes and stretches of isolated highway make up most of the northern area. Good surfing conditions off the coast, and the sharks are quite fond of it too.
Western Australia - The Wildflower State, because of its many species of flowers that grow in the desert, or at the very least, wilt in the desert. Most people live on the coast and down the bottom of the state. Western Australia is full of day trippers who accidentally got lost looking for a place to take a leak while strolling through the Gibson Desert.
Tasmania - The Apple Isle. Apparently there are lots of Apples there, but there are also lots of great news stories and every few years the media flock to Tassie to invade the residents' lives. Martin Bryant created a massacre, Mary Donaldson took Princess Di's place on the front of our gossip mags and Brant and Todd captured the nations hearts and television network's wallets. There is a common joke that everyone in Tasmania is related, thus leading to some very amusing one-liners about incest and marrying cousins - which everyone except the Taswegians find humourous.
Beaconsfield - Quaint little country town in Tasmania which had its population double overnight (thanks to the media) when a gold mine collapsed and trapped two men, Brant and Todd, who were instantly heroes, and managed to survive for 14 days in a small confined space. Genuinely nice guys and a lovely town which is now being ignored by Channel Nine, who out-bid Channel 7 to get the exclusive story.
Ipswich
Large-ish town to the South-West of Brisbane which is considered to be the daggy little brother (actually, make that 2nd cousin twice removed) of Brisbane. Cheap housing, social problems and bogans infestate the place which is home to many Queensland sporting stars and Pauline Hanson. There was once talk of connecting Brisbane and Ipswich to make the world's largest city, but luckily someone had the sense to put a stop to that.
