ENGLISH PLACES

The Beach In the UK, you’re never more than a couple of hundred miles from the coast. This means that the entire population attempt to rush to it on a Bank Holiday. Unfortunately, although largely picturesque, a lot of it consists of cliffs, marshes, nuclear-power-plant-owned private land, & other inhospitable places. Therefore to get to an actual beach, you will need to cope with queues of cars containing most of your neighbours who have had the same idea. The excitement of negotiating traffic jams, the journey time, alternative routes & other drivers foibles will provide a multitude of exciting topics with which to make small talk with your fellow holiday makers.

Related Attractions

Amusement Arcades Before global warming kicked in, most British weather was either: a) cold, b) wet, c) cold & wet d) muggy e) brightening up. ² The amusement arcade is the ideal place to shelter: full of flashing lights & exciting noises, it’s a handy way of having all your money removed from your pockets, without the effort of thinking about what to spend it on. Bingo, bandits (pokies) and video games (as they were known in my day) are a great way to while away a wet afternoon, particularly if you enjoy the sound of teenagers cursing the Penny Falls, or infants screaming because they aren’t allowed on the Postman Pat ride for the umpteenth time. Look out for the charming hand-crafted prizes such as cuddly dogs which bear enough of a resemblance to Scooby Doo for the kids to spend a fortune in order to win one, but not enough of a resemblance to be sued over.

Postcards  Featuring local views (generally from 1976; until recently the hottest summer on record), only-just-this-side-of-obscene-but-totally-unfunny cartoons  or kittens in flower baskets, the ideal thing to send to Mum, friends, or those relatives you are obliged¹ to send correspondence to, but you wouldn't know if you fell over them. It is a strange fact that you will arrive home before any of your cards are recieved,  wherever you send them.

Seaside Cafes serve an interesting selection of refreshments, all around the theme of fish & chips, tepid hot drinks, melting ice creams, sugar and saturated fats. All of which will taste fantastic after the queueing taken to obtain them.

Souvenirs Exciting things to remind you of your trip. These include: felt hats with ‘amusing’ slogans on the front, such as the traditional ‘Kiss me Quick’, or the more up-to-date ‘**** me now’, rock³, pebbles⁴, sand⁵ and plastic snowglobes featuring a local landmark which come from somewhere completely unrelated, possibly in a different hemisphere⁶.

¹ The obligation arose because they once accidentally put a fiver in your Christmas card when you were a child. It is also obligatory to feign interest when listening to stories about them via your Mum; 'Cousin Paul's daughter is back in hospital, but his son has a new job in Strathclyde.' Cousin Paul is really second-cousin-once-removed. Mum met him only once; at Great Aunt Ethel's 90th birthday. She was ten & he was twelve. They hated each other on site, but became pen-friends after dire threats from their respective mothers.

² In Ireland, there is a saying ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes’.
The UK has a similar saying ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait until you’ve lived here as long as I have. You’ll be pig sick of it, I can tell you. And another thing...’ 
³ A confectionery item. A long stick of hard sweet stuff, which has the name of the resort cleverly written through the middle of it. So named because it has the same tooth-damaging properties as geological rock.
⁴ A confectionery item, or actual pebbles retrieved from the beach. Either collected deliberately because they look interesting, or accidentally by one’s footwear.
⁵ Generally collected accidentally, sand will stick to footwear, towels, bottoms & indeed anything else that you took onto the beach.
⁶ True story. My brother's featured ‘Blackpool Tower’, but had ‘Made in Hong Kong’ printed on the base.