Jen asks Viv some questions about her homeland.
So Viv, Tell me, what is the difference between England, Britain, the UK, Wales and Scotland and where do those lovely Irish fit into the picture?
Britain is the land mass, the United Kingdom is a big chunk of it, Wales is the original population pushed over West as far as possible, ditto Scotland, but they were pushed North. Ireland is the bit that wouldn’t submit (except the Northern bit).
So what should I be calling you?
Traditionally, that depends on which sporting event ‘we’ are competing in. Anyone winning automatically becomes ‘British’. Anyone losing becomes one of ‘The Welsh’ or ‘The Scots’. The English never lose. They are only beaten (unfairly, & usually by the weather or an act of God). Factionalism reigns in the UK, so most people ally themselves with their county, or even home town! (I’m a Lancashire girl of Welsh/Lancashire/Yorkshire stock living in Yorkshire. So just call me Viv.)
Why is the unicorn part of your coat of arms? Surely you all know it’s a made up animal!
Unicorns, or Epphius Hornius, used to be a common sight roaming the moors and wetlands of Medieval England. Unfortunately Prince Henry the Blaggard issued a royal decree in 1327 demanding that all unicorns be ‘hhunttet wyth bews & arrewss’ & their hides made into coats of arms.
How many other made up animals live in your country?
Well there is a rumor that Sooty likes to wear lipstick...
Do you still send people to Australia for stealing a loaf of bread?
Never. We just send them to flog their poxy pop records (Robbie Williams being a prime example).
Why does it always rain over there?
This is a common misconception. It doesn’t always rain. Once raining has commenced, gravity dictates that the water droplets must hit the ground. In the meantime, the cloud has begun to produce more rain, giving the illusion of a continuous downpour.
How many BBCs are there?
There are two terrestrial TV channels: BBC1 & BBC2. There are two digital TV channels: BBC3 & BBC4 (easy to follow so far). Then there are the specialist digital channels: CBBC (Children’s BBC), Cbeebies (Smaller Children’s BBC), BBC News 24 (The News. & it’s on 24 hours a day), BBC Parliament (TV coverage of the Houses of Parliament. From inside, otherwise it would get a bit repetative, no matter how much of a Pugin fan you are). Then there are the radio stations: Radio 1, Radio 2, Radio 3, Radio 4, Five Live (don’t know why they have to emphasise Live, the others aren’t quite dead) BBC6 & BBC7. & there’s the world service. Oh & of course the ABC.
If you became a republic, where would the Queen move to?
The Big Brother house.
Is there really a platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross Station? Or is JK Rowling a made up creature like the unicorn?
JK Rowling is very real, unlike the rest of her output, & the response to it.
Why is the royal family so much more polite these days? They don’t seem to kill nearly as many people as they did in the 16th century!
Instead of the rule of fear, they rule our hearts. Like the ‘People’s Princess’, Lady Di, gawd bless ’er.
I had a dream that Bill Oddie died. Is he still alive?
Bill Oddie is not dead. He just spends lots of time hiding for his nature programmes. Tim Brooke-Taylor & Graeme Garden are kept alive in an iron lung by Radio 4 for ‘I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’ & are occassionally wheeled out for TV reminiscence specials like ‘Weren’t the Seventies a Hoot?’
Was Margaret Thatcher really made of iron?
No, pure spite. (No further comment, otherwise I'd take up the whole internet)
