THE BBC - Paid for by citizens of the UK to provide quality programmes to the rest of the world for nothing. Seriously though, usually worth it. You can get all the radio programmes on http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/.

THE SUN - Along with The Times, The News of the World and SKY TV, part of the Rupert Murdoch media empire. Famous for their ‘Page 3 Girls’ (twenty something girls with thirty something chests & no tops on) & their 'amusing' headlines, such as 'Hop Off You Frogs' (Go away French people). Most likely to be found poking out of the back pocket of a pair of builder’s jeans, or on the floor of the train when you get on. A very low reading age, around 7, hence crossword clues such as: ‘Not a dog’ (3 letters: begins with c, ends in t).

THE SEASIDE HOLIDAY - In the UK, you’re never more than a couple of hundred miles from the coast. This means that the entire population attempt to rush to it on a Bank Holiday. Unfortunately, although largely picturesque, a lot of it consists of cliffs, marshes, nuclear-power-plant-owned private land, and other inhospitable places. Therefore to get to an actual beach, you will need to cope with queues of cars containing most of your neighbours who have had the same idea. If you decide to try rail travel instead, it’ll take at least as long, and you’ll need to change trains three times ¹.
Cafes - The seaside cafe serves an interesting selection of refreshments, all around the theme of fish & chips, tepid hot drinks, melting ice creams, sugar and saturated fats. All will taste fantastic after the effort taken to obtain them.
Amusement arcades - Before global warming kicked in, most British weather was either: a) cold, b) wet, c) cold & wet d) muggy e) Brightening up. ² The amusement arcade is the ideal place to shelter: full of flashing lights & exciting noises, it’s a handy way of having all your money removed from your pockets, without the effort of thinking about what to spend it on. Bingo, bandits (pokies?!) and video games (as they were known in my day) are a great way to while away a wet afternoon, particularly if you enjoy the sound of teenagers cursing the Penny Falls, or infants screaming because they aren’t allowed on the Postman Pat ride for the umpteenth time.
Souvenirs - Exciting things to remind you of your trip. These include: felt hats with ‘amusing’ slogans on the front, such as the traditional ‘Kiss me Quick’, or the more up to date ‘What the f**k are you lookin’ at??’, rock³, pebbles⁴, sand⁵ and plastic snowglobes featuring a local landmark which are actually made elsewhere⁶.

¹On your return journey, you will find yourself negotiating your way between platforms over footbridges, under underpasses and through barriers whilst carrying suitcases, buckets, spades, howling toddlers, towels, picnic boxes, and amusement prizes such as giant cuddly Great Danes (which are supposed to bear enough of a resemblance to Scooby Doo for the kids to spend a fortune in order to win one, but not enough of a resemblance to be sued over).

²In Ireland, apparently there is a saying ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes’. The UK has a similar saying ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait until you’ve lived here as long as I have. You’ll be pig sick of it, I can tell you! And another thing...’ (etc etc)

^{3A confectionery item. A long stick of hard sweet stuff, which has the name of the resort cleverly showing through the middle of it.
4}A confectionery item, or actual pebbles retrieved from the beach. Sometimes collected deliberately because they look interesting, or accidentally by one’s footwear.

⁵Generally collected accidentally, sticking to footwear, towels, bottoms and anything else that you took onto the beach.

6True story. My brother had one featuring ‘Blackpool Tower’, which had ‘Made in Hong Kong’ printed on the base.

The annual commemoration of Guy Fawkes 1605 attempt to blow up Parliament (that's the year 1605, not just after teatime, which would be most unsporting). Nobody is entirely sure if we're celebrating his failure or the idea of overthrowing the government...